Hypocondriac's Disease Checklist

My picture name
Greetings and welcome once again to Steve's Weekly Column of Insanity, which, quite frankly, kind of gives the game away in the title. I mean, you're not going to tune in to Steve's Weekly Column Of Insanity for help with your taxes, or painting your house or anything, are you? Anyway, it's been said and can't be unsaid. See, I'm feeling a bit disjointed lately, a little incoherent, so my apologies if this article has less than my normal quotient of cogent wisdom. I have something wrong with me and I don't know what it is. It may be serious or it may not be, but I've waited around two weeks to get into the doctor and my mind has been working overtime in the meantime, whilst I lay in bed. I think I have a bad case of Medical Student's Disease, which you get by reading about terrible diseases and then thinking that you have all of them. Yes, I've become a bit of a hypocondriac lately and it's getting me down, but I thought I'd turn my pain to good use, so I decided to come up with the Hypocondriac's Disease Checklist.

My picture nameFirst, some interesting health news. There was an enormous amount of fuss a while back when authorities found a 'drug tunnel' going underground from British Columbia, Canada to Washington State. The tunnel was used to ship drugs into the United States. The press made a great deal of fuss over the fact that the tunnel had been built. I really didn't think that was astonishing: Americans have been coming to Canada for their drugs for some time now. What astonished me was not that the tunnel existed, but that it was straight. I mean, think about it. A bunch of drug addicts, underground for long periods of time, probably high, digging a tunnel. They're lucky the damned thing didn't come out in downtown Toronto. Seriously, can you imagine the conversation over the radios with the work crew? {Foreman}'Let's check in with Dave down below. Dave, report! What's your progress on digging the secret drug tunnel?' {Dave}'My shoes are talking to me!!' Well, maybe I'm not giving them enough credit.

Nevertheless, on to today's topic, the Hypocondriac's Disease Checklist Now, this is not an official D*I*Y Planner Template, 'cause I don't friggin' feel like it, o.k.?! Anybody got a problem with that? No?! Good. Moving right along, I've created a comprehensive list of possible diseases and you simply check off any ones you think you might have, in order to save time in the doctor's office. Imagine how impressed your doctor will be, when he or she sees all the time you've saved him or her. Well, I'm just doing my job:) So, without further ado, let's get to it:

  • Diabetes
  • Anemia
  • Painter's Colic
  • Dementia
  • Latent Republicanism
  • Insanity
  • Festering Ulcer
  • Sudden Death
  • Brain Fever
  • Burning Foot Syndrome
  • Rectal Bleeding
  • Dropsy
  • Poor Man's Gout
  • Housemaid's Knee
  • Bagpiper's Lung
  • Vampire's Overbite
  • Pink Eye
  • Yellow Fever
  • Purple Contusions
  • Brown Lung
  • Black Death
  • Rabies
  • Scabies
  • Scurvy
  • Rickets
  • Floating Uterus
  • The Inverse Wailing Coniptions
  • Echovirus 9
  • Blind Loop Syndrome
  • Ebola
  • Hangnail Run Rampant
  • Andropause
  • Tapeworm
  • Bird Flu
  • Goat Pox
  • Canine Distemper
  • Hog Cholera
  • Cattle Plague
  • Vesticular Stomatitis
  • Nontropical Sprue
  • Walking Around Pneumonia
  • The 7th Inning Whooping Diversion
  • Mononucleosis
  • The Gaelic Heebie-Jeebies
  • Transmissiple Encephalopathy
  • Kicked In The Face By A Horse Syndrome
  • Apoplexy
  • PMS
  • Cleptomania
  • Impotance
  • Ear Hair Overgrowth
  • Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome
  • Upset Stomach
  • Diphtheria
  • African Sleeping Sickness
  • Colorado Tick Fever
  • Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever
  • Epidemic Typhus
  • Ambulatory Plague
  • Leprosy
  • Hoof And Mouth Disease
  • Alimentary Osteopathy
  • Aortic Valve Insufficiency
  • Fatigue
  • Dry Mouth

Well, that's all I can contribute to your health this week. Until next time, keep your pen on the page and your heart rate in the target range.

Steve Sharam

Syndicate content

Comment viewing options

Select your preferred way to display the comments and click "Save settings" to activate your changes.

you forgot one

You forgot Spontaneous Dentahydraplosion (for those of you who don't watch "The Office" this condition is when your teeth turn clear and run down your throat..)

Already happened. That was

Already happened. That was last Saturday night. Shouldn't have had that third Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster:)

Steve Sharam

This brings to mind a comedy bit...

about a guy waiting in a doctor's office. He "gets" every ailment that walks in.

The punch line is when a pregnant lady walks in. :)
"I think the surest sign that there is intelligent life out there in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us." (Calvin and Hobbes/Bill Waterson)