Snappy Comebacks For Any Situation

My picture nameGreetings and welcome once again to Steve's Weekly Column Of Sensible Paper-Based Planning, formerly Steve's Weekly Column Of Insanity. What can I say... we all grow! Okay, let's see what trouble we can get into this week.

Of course, the big news this week is the impending release of the new movie based on J.K. Rowling's phenominally successful book series, Harry Potter And The Enormous Royalty Check. This just goes to show what can be done with a pen and some paper. Rowling was a broke single mother when she wrote the first Harry Potter book, sitting in a cafe with a pad and pen. This just shows, that with some paper-based planning, a lot of elbow grease and some luck, anyone can become the wealthiest woman in Britain. Unless you're a man. That would be a little weird.

Nevertheless, today's topic is one of universal concern: How to come up with the perfect response in any situation. I'm sure everyone can remember a time when they were accosted or accused or otherwise verbally attacked and they didn't think of the perfect comeback until later, when it was too late. Well, never again will this happen, thanks to The new D*I*Y Planner Hipster PDA Supplemental Pack #1. Um, I guess, in retrospect, we should have thought of a cooler name for that. It's kinda anti-climactic. Nevertheless, it's a remarkably versatile package and today I'm going to show you how to use it so you're never caught without an appropriately snappy response again. [Steve, did you even look at the pack? - DJ]

But first, a few gratuitous keywords. The experts tell us that it's important to use as many popular keywords as possible on a website, something which my father and I attempt to do everyday on our blog When Reality Knocks (and you can find another gratuitous link here), as this helps drive your site up higher in the search engine results. D*I*Y Planner gets lots of hits, but you can always do better, so with that in mind, here are some gratutious keywords about arguments: Verbal arguments are an integral part of communication, which is a key component of a healthy relationship, which is something frequently talked about on the Oprah and Dr. Phil shows and failures of communication can be seen in every level of society, such as the CIA leak case with Karl Rove and Scooter Libby and communication is especially important with people who speak other languages, such as the sexy Spanish film star Antonio Bandaras, currently staring in The Legend Of Zoro and other sexy people whose names people often search for are Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, who live in the United States, whose president George Bush is currently at an all-time low 35% approval rating. There, that ought to do it. Let's move on.

How it works is this: Write down a number of powerful, high-minded quotes and then when you find yourself in an uncomfortable situation, when you're being accused of something or being asked to take responsibility for someone else's mistakes or any other innane problem which happens every day in the business world, just act as though you're looking for a piece of important information in your Hipster PDA and flip randomly to one of the quotes. The thing is, a truly good quote will disarm the other person so much that it doesn't even need to apply to the situation. It's the same process that politicians use all the time. Let's look at a few examples:

You boss asks you why you were late for work:
{You Reply}"Death is but a door, time is but a window."

Your boss asks if you were the one who photocopied their butt and priority-posted it to all the stock-holders.
{You reply} "No man can be a patriot on an empty stomach."

Someone asks you at a board meeting if you think the cafeteria should offer fishsticks.
{You Reply} "Intellectual passion drives out sensuality."

Your boss asks you why your report is late.
{You reply} "To the well organized mind, death is but the next great adventure."

When asked if you can look after the Powerpoint presentation for the sales conference the next day.
{You Reply} "Youth cannot know how age thinks and feels. But old men are guilty if they forget what it is to be young."

Your superviser asks why you were hula dancing on the boardroom table at 10:30 in the morning the day before the Christmas party.
{You reply} "Fields and trees teach me nothing, but the people in the city do."

Your wife asks you what you were thinking of, taking her elderly grandparents to a strip club.
{You reply} "In time of war, the law falls silent."

See how easy it is? You can customize it with your own favourite quotes and never be caught at a loss for words again, a new innovation brought to you by the D*I*Y Planner Team. Until next week, keep your pen on the page and your... um, wait... it'll come to me.... Damn!

Steve Sharam

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Doug, Did I look at it? Did

Did I look at it? Did I look at it?! Of course I...well, yes, uh... briefly, yes, I did. I can't look over every template in the planners carefully...I'd never get my column written! And think of the loss to culture and civilization. They'd have to close the museums.

{Pippin} Where are we, Merry?
{Merry} You should have made more careful geographical notes in your D*I*Y Planner and played less in Rivendale, Pip. This is {flip, flip} Fangorn Forest.
{Pippin} I miss Gandalf.

Steve Sharam