Steve's D*I*Y Enemies List

My picture nameGreetings and welcome once again to Steve's Online Workshop for Do It Yourself Paranoia Organisation, formerly Steve's Paper-Based Planning Column Of Joy, formerly Steve's Paper-Based Planning Column of Insanity, formerly Steve's Guide To Dunking A Basketball While Operating A Food Processor, formerly Steve's Guide to Playing A Guitar In The Dark With Your Face, formerly... ah, what the hell, who cares?

Sorry, I'm kinda tired. My doctor finally figured out what was wrong with me (see my Hypocondriac's Disease Checklist) and although it's easily cured, given time, my doctor told me that essentially my condition was largely caused by --and massively exacerbated by-- working too hard. I am therefore now violently anti-work, which makes it a bit tricky to write a column for a site committed largely to organising your work schedule. I guess you could say my heart's not really into it. However, Doug Johnston keeps telling me that this site is about more than work. It is also, he says about dream journaling, script-writing and all kinds of creative activities. So, in that spirit, I offer my guide to constructing a Do It Yourself Enemies List.

One small digression. I'd just like to say that I'm very, very disappointed in all of you. I thought we were working together on this thing people. I made a heart-felt plea last week to all of you to help put one of my column's into the all-time top five... and you didn't do it. I mean, I'm sure some of you did, but a lot of you dropped the ball. I just wanted to tell you that you've managed to crush my all my hopes and dreams. Thank you.

Now, onto my D*I*Y Enemies List. I got the idea of having a D*I*Y Enemies List from an article on the site Capital Hill Blue, which stated that President Bush apparently keeps an enemies list of 10,000 people he considers his enemies and then uses governmental powers to attack them. Freedom, apparently, on the march.

The most famous enemies list, of course, belonged to Richard Nixon. Officially labelled the Political Enemies Project, the purpose was, according to the wikipedia, to "screw" Nixon's political enemies by means of tax audits from the IRS, and by manipulating "grant availability, federal contracts, litigation, prosecution, etc."

Well, that's nice. The article about George W's enemies list goes on to say: "White House insiders tell disturbing tales of invasion of privacy, abuse of government power and use of expanded authority under the USA Patriot Act to dig into the personal lives of anyone the administration deems an enemy of the state."

Well, that's just extra nice. It just gets better and better. Well, all of this politicking got me to thinking that there must be a way for the average person, for you and I, to organise and maintain one's own enemies list. If the president feels it necessary to have one, then clearly things are very dangerous, and protecting yourself with an enemies list only makes sense.

And then it came to me, like a light went on in my head... an inspiration: simply adapt a small Hipster PDA Planner to serve as a portable, expandable, cross-referenced D*I*Y Enemies List. With a minimum of work and a little ingenuity, your new D*I*Y Enemies List can soon be a reality. Who should go in your D*I*Y Enemies List, you ask? Well, anyone you think might be potentially out to get you, to bring you down. Remember, it's not paranoia if they're really after you. What follows is a small selection of my personal enemies, always growing, of course:

  • Jerry, he knows why.
  • One of my ex-girlfriends, she knows which one, for failing to return my teddy bear.
  • Bill, at the copy centre, 'cause he's always been out to get me.
  • Dad, for that time you wouldn't get me that cookie, when I was 4.
  • Professor Moriarty.
  • Big Bird.
  • Mr. Dressup. He always kinda freaked me out.
  • Secret Agent Sacha Chua. I want my cat back!
  • King Arthur. He's after my planner.
  • Scooter Libby.
  • Dave Barry.
  • The Dark Lord Sauron.

This, of course, is only a small list of the people who are out to get me, and I'm sure, with a little thought, you can come up with extensive list of your own. D*I*Y Planner, always on the cutting edge of personal paranoia. Remember, it's important to keep this kind of thing organised, or else it could get out of hand.

Until next time, keep your pen on the page... and your hands the hell out of my filing cabinet!

Steve Sharam

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All time top five list.

Steve, if we are going to get one of your columns into the all-time top five list then we need to get together. To do this task most efficiently then we need some basic information. Which column do we work on? Is there some way of finding out which one of your articles is closest to the top five? With that information, we could all be working on the same one instead of picking one at random. The key here is efficiency and organisation, which is what this website is all about isn't it.

Good point. I'll bug Doug

Good point. I'll bug Doug consistently for the next several days until he lets me into the stats so I can find out which one of my columns is the closest to the top 5. Then we'll figure out an efficient way to organize and crack the top 5.
Wow, imagine if we could actually coordinate on something that mattered;)

Steve Sharam

Steve, sweetheart, You

Steve, sweetheart,

You *know* I'd love to help, but putting one of your columns into the Top 5 would mean bumping something else out, right?

And...what if the loser was one of MY columns? Eeeek.

So, I propose an alternative. Let's start a campaign to change it to the Top *TEN* instead!

Sound good? Have we got a deal?

Just 'cause I'm a sucker...

It's now the Top 10 of all time. By the look of it, Steve has his work cut out for him.... ;-)


Well, how close am I (hit

Well, how close am I (hit me, I can take it:@)

Steve Sharam

your not in the top ten..

your not in the top ten.. but if it makes you feel any better I also don't see any of Doug's much linked to writing which make all make my top five of all time.

If it makes you feel any better your "singing your way to success" post was a personal favourite of mine!

While it is true that group planning and just doing better would be in keeping with this website there is another way Steve. Convince 43 folders to give you a link. How's that for a plan. Bribe Merlin!

You could always pay someone to rig the machines, but I doubt Doug or Eric would go for it. (Machiavellian I know, but hey it worked for Bush!)

You didn't hear it here. ;^)

Baw ha ha ha!

Maybe if I have about how to

Maybe if I have about how to organize personal informaiton about celebrities. That gets big ratings for Entertainment Tonight:)

Steve Sharam


This amuses me. I suggest the small size post it notes on a page with a grid for relationships!

Could be another use for the

Could be another use for the Matrix.

Steve Sharam

But I _like_ your cat! Mine

But I _like_ your cat!

Mine mine mine mine mine!


Cat Lady

Fine, but from now I on, I get to call you The Crazy Cat Lady:P

Steve Sharam