Relationships and Productivity

Does anyone find that being an organizer-user (noticed I didn't say organized person hehe) has an impact on relationships?

My last relationship lasted 8 years and he never had any means of planning or keeping tabs on things. Seriously, he had to be one of the most dis-organized people I have known.

Now that I'm in the "dating scene" again (saveme), I can't bring myself to get involved with anyone who isn't into organizers of some sort... which means I am very lonely ;P My most recent suitor asked if I was OCD because I wrote stuff down... :sigh: Its part of it but he looked baffled when I started explaining why I like to keep my hPDA nearby etc.

So - help me out people. Is a future possible with a non diyplanner-type person? Or is it a necessity for a relationship to have at least some level of productivity/organization in practice?

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Married to a non-planner


My DH and I have been married since 1993. He has a palm phone, where he keeps a basic to-do list and a very basic calendar. A lot of stuff he just keeps in his memory. He's not a methodical planner and doesn't get into the DIY planning scene at all. He laughs at my collection of organizing stuff, rolls his eyes at my rolla discs, and uses *gasp* free disposable ball-point pens!

We are happily married even under stress.

It can be done.


I'm guessing your DH keeps

I'm guessing your DH keeps pretty good tabs on the date and repeating events like birthdays and such? I consider that a low level planner...

perhaps I should formulate a scale for applicants ;D hehe.

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Dates etc.


He remembers my birthday, his parents birthdays, our kids' birthday, valentines, christmas, and usually our anniversary. By 'remember' I mean that literally. He doesn't always come up with presents for any of these, but he remembers them.

That is to say, a phone call or card on the day might be all any of us get--except christmas. That one he makes an effort for.

I wouldn't get too picky on the 'special days' part if I were in the market, personally. On a few non-special days, you talk about your family's traditions, how your parents always make a big deal about this stuff and how much you love it--and if the guy doesn't come up with a card, you can ask him about his family's traditions when he was a kid and see if he came from a different world. :) No nagging, no reminders, no advance warnings, no anger after the fact--this is just one aspect of a thousand things that make a guy a keeper or not. Is it *really* that big a deal that he should get you a new mop for your birthday? :)

My mom married a guy who buys her stuff he wants (no typo, he gets her the gift he wants for himself). She got mad at him after about the fifth mop in five years. Now she has him trained to buy her sparklies. She is much happier now about impending special days, and he knows what's good for him. :)


i thought i had it

my ex would ask what i would wanted for upcoming holiday/event... i would pick up wanted item in a store and repeat a couple times how much i wanted 'this item'... come holiday or event i would get the 'you never told me' line. :sigh:

i think finding someone who was interested in art would probably be a huge step in the right direction. having a common interest would really help out, especially when it is such a large part of who i am as an individual.

some days i really wish this life came with an instruction manual... in PDF format of course ;)

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Opposites attract, maybe?

My darling husband (going on three years now) couldn't plan his way out of a paper bag. He never knows what he's supposed to be doing or when he's supposed to be doing it. For example, he has a monthly doctor's appointment. You'd think that he would check the appointment card somewhere around the 20th of the month, but now. He misses at least one appointment out of every three. Even though these appointments have been going on for over two years!!!

The way I deal with it: I keep my mouth shut. I'm not his mother, and it's his problem if he misses things. And if he forgets someplace he was supposed to go with me, well, I'll just go alone. Sometimes it's intensely aggravating...

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It's magnetism!

I believe my DH and yours were cut from the same cloth. Mine is doing pretty good with his Treo, but he has no concept of his schedule until the Treo starts beeping. I don't always keep my mouth shut, but I did have to do a major let-go and accept that his chronic tardiness is his problem.

Maybe we should form a support group for spouses of planning-disabled persons? :-)

But how...

...would you get them to the meeting ? :)
"I think the surest sign that there is intelligent life out there in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us." (Calvin and Hobbes/Bill Waterson)

No, no.

The meetings would be for us, not them. :)

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Nobody's perfect.

Despite my complaint about his lack of time management, my husband is an absolute sweetheart and I love him more than anyone else on the planet. Just wanted to make that clear, since I complained about him a little.

Everyone has flaws, after all. And I'd rather him be bad at remembering appointments than many, many other potential faults I can think of... :)

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Patience and influence are enough

I've been with my DH for 17 years now and I've managed to hack him pretty good over the years. He now has a planner, a notebook (both circa) and a hPDA. It's just a matter of suggesting and leading by example. And insuring that everytime you plan something, you include said DH in the planning, with the planner in hand. He will get around to it. As for the suitor asking if you are OCD, just make jokes about yout baine retantion. That's what I do.

"It's better to be a pirate than to join the Navy." -- Steve Jobs

Why does it matter?

Why does it matter? If he remembers things that need remembering and gets to things he needs to get to, I don't see why how he achieves that (whether just mentally keeping track or on paper or computer) should matter. It's his choice how to organize (or not) his life. If, however, he doesn't remember and doesn't get to where he's needed, then perhaps it's a life-style choice that isn't compatible with yours.

How we choose to do things is often a reflection of the kind of person we are at any given time. I, personally, don't believe in trying to change anyone (unless they ask for help). My husband and I will soon celebrate our 29th anniversary :D and I have to say that it just keeps getting better and better. But all those years ago, I married the man I loved, not a rough copy, and I recommend that to anyone.

It does take effort sometimes. We all inherit behavior patterns from our childhood and our families that we naturally fall into and sometimes defend with rage and flames, but frankly a lot of those behaviors just really don't matter. They are what we are used to and we often feel we have to continue them even though we never stop to think if they are helping or harming us.

Sorry for the rant, but I think life is much too short to spend it with someone who is next in line in the relationship queue. Sometimes we mistake familiarity for love or settle when we shouldn't. Imo, a relationship should enhance your life, make you better by being together than you are apart. Take your time, do what you love, enjoy your life as it is, and then maybe one day you'll notice someone has entered your life and your heart and you will at last be home.

I think a lot of what I am

I think a lot of what I am contemplating lately is what I need and how it fits into my life now and what I want for the future. I lost myself for a long time... only to awake to an unrecognizable me. I am focused on retaining myself more than altering anyone - I know better. My fear is to end up with someone who is attempting to alter me...

Just consider this thread one of my many ramblings. Thinking outloud or via typing is sometimes the best way to get to the root of an idea or issue at hand.

We all need to be happy with ourselves first and foremost. I'm getting there... :)

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I didn't mean to get all

I didn't mean to get all serious on you. It just makes me sad when I see folks so desperately unhappy while 'forcing' some sort of relationship when both would be better off with someone else.

It sounds like you're on the right track, though, imo. I'm not sure there's any finite end to us knowing who we are since we are constantly changing. I think the trick is to try and be as honest with ourselves and our feelings as we can at any given time. (I'm talking here not so much about long entries in journals as I am about when we have a reaction to something out of the blue and need to take a step back to see just where that reaction is coming from. We can always rationalized our behavior, but if we're quick enough, we can see the truth of things before that rationalization kicks in.)

Geez, I'm doing it again. Ok, I'm going to shut up now.

It makes a lot of sense...

It makes a lot of sense... hindsight is 20/20 or at least pretty close. I really hope I can keep myself grounded and clear.

I think this relates more to my need to stay organized than I first thought. I like to keep an eye on things that are going on - keep myself grounded. Can't lose my head in the clouds if the clouds aren't on my "Next Action" list, right?

:) Take care and thank you for your thoughts <3

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"nerd vs free spirit" - I think this applies here

I think this may apply here. My wife and I went through a class about finances called Financial Peace University by Dave Ramsey. He talks about how in every relationship, one person is a "nerd" and one person is a "free spirit". The nerd is the detail oriented planner, the free spirit is more spontaneous and just kind of wings it. In finances, the "nerd" is the one who does budgets in Excel spreadsheets and that kind of thing. Want to take a wild guess which I am and which my wife is???

We're the personification of the nerd/free spirit thing. I have a small collections of planners, notebooks, pens, and a filing cabinet. I'm a computer programmer. My wife is a graphic designer with a big imagination and runs away from spreadsheets nearly as fast as she runs away from spiders.

I've heard a saying that in a relationship, if two people are alike one of them is unnecessary. And there's always the idea that opposites attract.


I married a non-organized person

I can't save you, Sara -- I'm married. :) And I'm married to someone who fails to keep track of lots of things.

Like checks. Checks, made out to her, given to her as gifts, lost. Money, vanished. Sometimes it's maddening. (And I think it's genetic -- her mom loses things all the time too.)

I got organized after we got married, thanks to pressure from my job, so maybe that has something to do with it. On the other hand, there's much more to enjoying time with someone than dealing with the mechanical things that we keep in our planners.

We all have different tolerances for scatter-brainedness in our lives, and there are things like spontaneity that often go with that scatter-brainedness. It's a trade-off.

And yes, my wife asks me to put things on my lists so they don't get forgotten. :)

Do you procrastinate?