Santa's Hipster PDA

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Greetings and welcome once again to Steve's column of Paper Based Something or Other. Whatever. I'm feeling too festive to care. Everywhere I go, people are putting on festive outfits, putting up festive decorations and freezing their festive butts off. Well, this is Canada, after all. We had a very mild November around here, but the temperature has dropped dramatically in the last week or so. I'm not sure why scientists feel like they have to send probes to see what it's like on the dark side of the moon. All they need to do is come to Canada in February, when it's -40 C around here. Actually, it could be worse: my old roommate was from Saskatchawen, a very flat province, where the wind has about 500 miles to build up speed and the temperature sometimes drops to -60 C. -60! At -60 your teeth freeze. Your teeth! That's cold. If NASA wants a challenge, they should try to set up a base in Saskatchewan. I'd give them two weeks.

Anyway, I'm a little off-track here, but that's just because my brain's cold. Today's topic is Santa's Hipster PDA.

I got thinking about the idea of making a Hipster PDA for Santa when I saw a t-shirt at the mall the other day that said All I want to Christmas is Santa's Bad Girl List. And I thought, 'Yeah, me too.' No, no, wait, I didn't think that. Um, I thought, wow, we should have a planner for that. (Gotta be careful; my girlfriend reads this thing. Hi Honey!) Anyway, yeah, I thought that Santa would be the perfect candidate to test-drive Doug's new version of the Hipster PDA Planner. If anybody ever needed to organize themselves on the run, it's Santa.

In fact, Christmas and Santa are under seige all over the place. Apparently some people are offended by references to Christmas, Santa and all things Christmasy and they've even convened a special Senate Judiciary Committee to investigate where Santa gets his intelligence about whether people have been good or bad. So the big guy's under the gun and we here at the D*I*Y Planner need to give him a hand.

Now, I can hear some of you protesting that Santa doesn't exist. You people are dead inside, you know that? Absolutely ice cold. Not an ounce of childish wonder in the whole crowd of ya. I, on the other hand, just saw the new Narnia movie last night, so I'm just brimming over with childish wonder over here. Yes, I am. Brimming with wonder am I. Yes, yes, I am.

Incidentally, I would like to offer the following super short movie review on "The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe.' Ahem. It is very good. They did a very good job. Very, very good. The centaur was cool. I like the beavers too. Childish glee. Yes, yes.

Anyhow, the fact that all of you are blind to the magic of everyday life isn't going to stop me from gratuitously advertising my blog. I put a gratuitous link to our blog in a post a few weeks ago and quite a number of you made the trip over to our blog and came back again and again, to our blog. This made Da and I very happy and he suggested I do it again.

'What, gratuitously advertise our blog on D*I*Y Planner again? I'm not sure that's ethical. We wouldn't want to beat a dead horse to death'

'But how else will people know about all the great content, on our blog, including our workshop on personality type, that is on our blog, unless we tell them?'

'Good point, Da. Maybe I'll mention our blog' I said.

I wasn't always this subtle.

Anyhow, moving along to Santa. It seems to me that Santa's going to need a fairly extensive hPDA, with maps, a huge good and bad list, a locations directory, and definitely the numbers for NASA, the Air Force and AAA. He'll probably need to laminate it. Also, I'm not certain what mechanism Santa uses for determining goodness and badness. Does he have some kind database-driven organisational program or special chart, determining goodness and badness based on many different criteria, or is it relative, kind of an a sliding scale? I'd think he'd have to cut people a little slack, seeing as how the world's collapsing into chaos and all. Damned worldwide anarchy.

Now the difficulty with this idea, of course, is that we need Santa's input and Santa's notoriously hard to find. And I don't think we can leave anything as important as Christmas up to the chance that Santa already frequents this site. So I'm hereby asking for volunteers to stay up all night Christmas Eve with milk and cookies and a huge laminated D*I*Y Hipster Santa Planner and deliver it to the Big Guy, just in case he should show up. We'll need many people to do this at the same time, just to be sure. If your families complain that your are ignoring them, just roll your eyes, give them a big hug and tell them condescendingly that you're saving Christmas. Come on people, we can do this. This is what the do-it-yourself community is all about.

All right, that's all, so, until next week, keep your pen on the page and the childish glee in your hearts and all that crap.

Steve Sharam
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Santa's organisational requirements....

...after taking it through with his wife we have come up with a definitive list:

• Palm OS pda (Would you like to write out over 20 million contacts?)
• Foreign phrase cards with such as "where is my fortified wine and mincey pie?"
• spare index cards for notes.
• Blood type and alergy card
• Cash in USD (He may need to bribe some good ol'boy sherriff)
• Air charts and city maps
• List of official contacts on planned itinerary (diplomatic representation, international organisations...)
• Sat phone numbers of a few elves with International drivers licences just in case ;)
• Moleskine type rear pocket for international drivers licence and vaccination card
•Pilot G2 gel pen, but he won't say no to a Sailor... fountain pen that is!
•Sat phone with built in telemetric/GPS software

Note Santa only works 24 hours a year so no need for a diary but he would prefer it laminated...

Good suggestions

Good suggestions. Very well thought out (certainly better than I had done). As I think about it, for some reason... I see Santa knowing Judo. I'm not sure why, except to say that anybody who crawls down that many firepaces would run some serious risks of being mistaken for a burgler or terrorist...especially at the home of the Good 'Ol Boy sherriff;)

Steve Sharam

The Four Disciplines of Santa

I too feel I read something of Santa and the 'gentle-way'...

Since High school,
The virtues of training in the Two Ways
Both of the Crane Kick and of the Pen
Has brought realization in the body and in the soul.

- S Claus, Seven Habits of Highly Effective Deliverymen.

I just hope Bush doesn't see mistake him for Bin Laden and kill Christmas! Lol.

Not to worry

Na, it'll never happen. Apparently Bush is getting a lump of coal by courier this year.

Steve Sharam