The Tragedy Of Testosterone Poisoning

Greetings all, Steve here. Ow. My back hurts. Ow! Well, it's my own fault. I've thrown my back out twice in my life and both times were after I lost a fight with a Swiss exercise ball. Swiss people must be very flexible, but I'm not, at least not anymore. Ow:( But it's not my fault. It's genetics. I am just one more victim of testosterone poisoning.

Testosterone poisoning has to do with the nature of the male human creature and his function in society. We used to need lots of testosterone and now we don't, anymore. My girlfriend Meghan and I had a discussion the other day about the nature of men and women. I said that women were overly complicated and she claimed that men are too simple. This seemed unfair to me, but I contemplated her words later that night. Meghan had gone for a night with the girls to share their thoughts and emotions about the challenges of life, both good and bad and unload the stress of the week. I stayed home and are a bag of oats.

O.k., so maybe men are kind of simple, but it used to work so well for us, you see. In the bad old days, men had to fend off attackers from the Big Gonad Clan and the only thing those buggers understand is a strong show of force. And so developed simple, aggressive male behavioral patterns, things like hooting, yelling, throwing things and trying to kill people and possibly peeing on things. This type of behavior can still be seen in the National Football League.

Unfortunately, outside of the NFL this sort of behavior won't get you very far today, but the entrenched male behavior patterns affect us still. You may have heard the story about the Eastern European man who died trying to open a grenade with a chainsaw. 'Nuf said. We don't need to fend off anybody these days, unless we work in a convenience store, but these aggressive patterns remain. Part of the male brain still believes that at any minute the Big Gonad Clan are going to show up and he'll have to spring into action, but peeing on things is not generally considered to be a savvy, high-powered business move these days, even in your most aggressive companies. Thus, the testosterone builds up and men do stupid things. What to do?

The tragedy of testosterone poisoning can be found in males everywhere, even, sadly, in me, ergo my hurting back. I showed that Swiss ball who was boss though. It thought it was all cool. No way that ball was going to get away with just sittin' there on the floor, bein' round. I showed it. Ow. Testosterone poisoning strikes again.

The problem affects every area of our lives, both business and personal. It's not that anyone's terribly impressed when a man throws a fax machine through a plate glass window. Except for other guys who are secretly impressed, but have to pretend not to be.

I'd like to suggest some alternatives for the modern male to minimize the affect of testosterone poisoning, in the form of organized group male activities. And I ain't talkin' about softball here folks. I'm talking about:

  • Ceremonially pushing a pushing a grand piano off a train bridge.
  • Catapulting something.
  • Playing with an attack dog.
  • Attacking an attack dog.
  • Reading the Bible in Klingon over the company intercom, all day.
  • Two video game controllers. Three men. Three baseball bats.
  • Throwing a fax machine through a plate glass window.

These are just a few suggestions for activities to minimize testosterone poisoning. Does anyone have any they'd like to share or tragic stories of testosterone poisoning they'd like to tell us? Come on people! Together, we can beat testosterone poisoning.

Until next time, keep your pen on the page and ow, my back!

Steve Sharam

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great post.

great post.

i am a woman who spends her days on cuteoverload dot com, i can offer nothing by way of suggestions.

well maybe one, try playing "keep away" with the cubs of grizzly bear?

Levenger stole ALL of my money, but they left me all these nice, shiny organizational tools.

Well, maybe...

Cuteoverload dot com, huh? We're from very different worlds, you and I.
Bear keep away...that could work. It would reduce cases of testosterone poisoning, by reducing the number of males. I actually read about a woman who was on a photo safari and got out of her vehicle to move a lion cub to get a better shot. The mother was, naturally, not very pleased. Not sure what you call that, though she won a Darwin Award, so I guess that's evolution in action:P

Steve Sharam

No known antidote

A few years ago, my husband decided to show our four-poster bed who was boss. Having had several years of martial arts training, he proceeded to hit and kick one of the posts. Then, in move that included a roundhouse kick and a downward block, the frame broke. The bed was DEAD.

I spent a few hours taking slivers out of his hand, and we had to sleep on the floor for several nights, but he won and proved himself boss!

There is no cure. He still fights --- against the two birch trees in the backyard. (I don't think he's winning --- two against one!)

No doubt

the bed had it coming. The main thing is he didn't back down. Curious fact: There were no beds in ancient China for that very reason, but now destroying a bed in China requires a permit.

Anyone else have any stories to share?

Steve Sharam

Not a story...

One thing I'm pondering to use up some testosterone: blacksmithing.

I have my g-g-grandfather's anvil and some tools. Beating inanimate steel with steel is cool!

Planning on, in the next year or so, heading to folkschool dot com for a week or weekend class. But I have to build an adequate shed for a forge and anvil. More testosterone used!

-- Coffee and Books, the pleasures of life


That sounds like alot of fun. My wife has a relative who is a blacksmith at one of those historic fort museums in New York. Very cool. We have a really neat wall sculpture he made for our wedding.

I never finish anyth

Just looked

Maybe mid-February weekend trip? There's a guy at church who's interested as well, so maybe it'll be a testosterone only weekend! Need to get someone to help the DW with the childers for three days, however.

-- Coffee and Books, the pleasures of life

Yup, that'll do

Yeah, that sounds like it'll use up some testosterone. You might even forge something useful, if you're not careful:P

Any other ideas?

Steve Sharam

They promise

Wall hooks, key rings, and maybe even a poker!

FYI: tinyurl dot com slash 375grf
-- Coffee and Books, the pleasures of life

This is a horrible post.

Steve, this post riles me to no end. Although it's somewhat tongue-in-cheek, it's basically a demonstration of self-loathing and an assertion that men and masculinity are stupid and useless.

This is not only insulting, it's harmful and ultimately untrue. Sure, both sexes let their predispositions run to ridiculous extremes at times, but the core values and predilections of men are neither ridiculous nor useless. This is so clearly demonstrated in men's success throughout society that there is really no point in bringing up specific examples. I will just note the obvious one that over 90% of computer scientists and software architects are men, and it appears that they are adapted in a way so as to enjoy this sort of work much more than most women.

The sexes are different and uniquely adapted to different roles. But these adaptations give both sexes unique advantages in different domains of modern society.

I am proud of my masculinity and my son's masculinity. There are also women who appreciate the good qualities in men, and in fact, are very grateful for mens' so-called 'simplicity' at times. Another way to describe what you call 'simplicity' might include the ability to cut through emotions to get to the heart of a problem and solve it, while remaining calm and in control. Another aspect of this might be the ability to stick to abstract principle in the face of a difficult social or emotional consequence. I think there are a lot of women who appreciate these qualities in men.

I like this site, but vehemently disagree with this post. Although, as I mentioned, you are apparently trying to be funny, the 'funny' rejection of men and everything good that they stand for has become far too rampant lately. I believe this trend has very bad consequences, and I can't countenance such drivel any longer. Make fun of men once in a while? - sure, fine - call testosterone a 'poisoning'? no way, no how.


I'm thinking that, between this and the inserted joke in Henry S's article on investing, Steve needs to give up on gender humor. :)

I would argue with you, though, about why there are so few women in the IT field. There is a huge amount of prejudice against girls and women in schools and workplaces when it comes to the sciences.

I am the only woman in both my IT college classes this term. My teachers aren't sexist, but I've had fellow male students talk over me in classes. I even had one call me a dog to my face. They treat me like I can't possibly know what I'm doing in class, despite the fact that I have years of experience on most of them. (I'm a returning student, age 31.)

Men are capable of great things. Most of them, however, are pigs. (That said, most women are pretty bad too -- I don't have a high opinion of humanity in general. However, men are typically the ones who give out the paychecks and win elections. ERA, anyone?)

Edited to add: In India, roughly half the programmers and IT workers are female. It's cultural, not biological.

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Anybody want to talk about hockey?

We could talk about hockey, that would be nice. Anybody have a favorite movie? How 'bout politics or religion, anybody want to have a go at those? *sigh* I guess we can talk about just about anything except gender humor. That apparently is generally causing a major sense of humor failure lately, so I'll guess I'll let it go. So here's my final statement on the issue of gender, if I may borrow a line from the movie Raising Arizona: "'re o.k., I'm o.k...and that there's what it is!"

Steve Sharam


He's a equal opportunuty offender. That had to count for something.

reject humans

People of both genders act like idiots on a regular basis... don't believe me? go people watching... for a minimum of 30 minutes in a public place.

I commend Steve for being able to point and laugh at himself. People in general take themselves way too seriously and need to just sit back and smile once in awhile.

I must thank Steve for always offering a chance to do just that... sit back and smile. (you can smile because you agree or smile because you think Steve is a goofball - either way - smile.)

my artwork | my blog

glass houses people...

I think its funny that while you accuse Steve of gender prejudice and ignorance, you exhibit it to an extreme. There is NOTHING innate in women that makes them a lesser at any science to say so, or to even begin to imply it is ignorant, sexist, stupid, trite and just plain wrong (study after study has shown that american girls perform as well or better than boys in all sciences in all female environments. prejudice and sexism, not genetics is the problem)

Steve was poking fun at himself and a funny moment in his life. he was kidding. you are serious and wrong, that for me is the difference.

Levenger stole ALL of my money, but they left me all these nice, shiny organizational tools.

I resemble that remark!!!

I am _offended_ that you would use the term "glass houses" in such a derogeratory way! What an insult to a noble name! ;-)

(yes, I'm joking!)

Now, to the substance of my post...

I fear that joke is on us... I suspect that we are the victim of a parody on Steve's/Henry's original post which got attacked by a lady. I think someone meant this as a parody/joke, not to be taken seriously--at least, that's how I read it.

In other words, not worth commenting on and arguing about...

... but to talk about Glass houses!!! I mean, REALLY!!! ;-)

-Jon (Glass)

Seeing things that aren't there

O.k. folks, I think a lot of people are seeing things that aren't there and I don't want this to turn into another online screaming match. You're right when you say that this was not meant to be taken seriously. That's why it's listed as a humor column:P Honestly, I just thought it was funny, my pain that is. Poking fun at your pain is one way to make it go away, or at least reduce it a lot. Perhaps there was some subconscious connection to Dad's post, but given the level of genius I displayed in crippling myself, probably not:P

I'm not better yet, so I'm going to the doctor tomorrow. I'm thinking, just to be on the safe side, that I'll start with something like this:

"So, Stephen, what seems to be the problem?"

"There's nothing wrong with MY prostate!"

Cross your fingers.

Steve Sharam

There is nothing to be alarmed about...

"There's nothing wrong with MY prostate!"

That reminds me of a Monty Python sketch--the pilot sketch. They're bored, and one says over the intercom to the passengers, "There is nothing to be alarmed about." And after a few seconds, "The wing is not on fire..." ;-)


get better soon steve

we can't have you broken ... how will you comfortably sit at the computer for hours amusing us if yer broken?

take care and get better soon {huggles}

my artwork | my blog


I was waiting for somebody to say that:) Just got back from the doctor and she said that I have to be off work for a week. Since I don't really like my job that much, that's no big problem for me:P

Steve Sharam

His doctor's a woman!

OK, to add to the gender brouhaha.....

(Well first, I am glad you get a little time off work, Steve, to recover).....I once had a job I was so burned out on I was thinking of going ahead and having some *ahem* female surgery (I thought it was needed at the time) just so I could get 4-6 weeks off work for recovery!! I changed jobs instead.

And then kudos to you for having a woman doctor!

Heal well!


It's just a troll, folks.

It's just a troll, folks. Actually, quite a well-played troll. But please don't feed the troll.

you are right

you are right, i don't usually feed the trolls, i don't expect to see them here, so i was unprepared for its arrival. sorry no more food for the trolls.

Levenger stole ALL of my money, but they left me all these nice, shiny organizational tools.

Same here.

I'm not used to trolls, as I don't seem to go a lot of places that have them...

[ blog | photos ]

sorry for feed the troll...

now to the point, i do hope you feel better and have a positive outcome from your visit to the doctor.

Levenger stole ALL of my money, but they left me all these nice, shiny organizational tools.

Yeah, no worries.

Yeah, she said I'll be fine, I just have to stay away from those Swiss balls. She didn't officially diagnose me with testosterone poisoning, but I think we both knew what was going on there.

Prostate's fine:D

Steve Sharam

Have to say

I thought this was really funny. I laughed out loud while I was at work supposed to be learning a new web portal based system, but really checking my favorite sites due to the training lameness. Take care of yourself Steve.

(suprised there weren't more comments on the Freudianism of the "Swedish ball" and related said poisoning)


Thanks, that was the general idea:P I can completely understand you're boredom with your e-training. I'm doing that at work now too and it is a completely underwhelming experience:)

I wasn't thinking distinctly of Freudian imagery, but it certainly fits. The gym is a fairly Freudian spot anyway. There's a sub-culture of men who spend a lot of time at the gym because they can't actually get away with peeing on each other.

Steve Sharam

Male competition

I do find male one-upmanship highly amusing sometimes. My husband and his friends do that all the time. What's really funny is when they start doing it about the qualities of their wives. (My guy always wins, at least in the eyes of his gamer geek friends, because I play video games, like boxing/mixed martial arts, and run Linux. These things are apparently quite impressive in some circles. Hee.)

[ blog | photos ]

gamer girl here too.

gamer girl here too. I am a lesbian and lesbian women i run across seem not as impressed as guys. I have a t-shirt with an NES controller and guys just throw their drawers at me every time i wear it.

i am sure there are lesbians who would if it impressive but i havent run into those circles :( but such is life.

Levenger stole ALL of my money, but they left me all these nice, shiny organizational tools.


If it makes you feel better, I'm bisexual and I'm impressed. ;)

[ blog | photos ]



it does... there is hope! (where are the shiny sound effects and fancy movie lighting when i need it. ) :) :D

Levenger stole ALL of my money, but they left me all these nice, shiny organizational tools.

I've been waiting

I've been writing for this site for over two years and this is the first spontaneous thread about lesbian video gamers that has sprung up. I'm not sure why, it just seemed important to note that :P

Steve Sharam


I can sense the testosterone levels rising from here... :)

[ blog | photos ]


I say a message board has not lived until there are posts about lesbian video gamers. :) :D Now this place can begin to truly live.

Levenger stole ALL of my money, but they left me all these nice, shiny organizational tools.

Martial Artist too!

With all that extra testosterone, maybe more of you should be martial artists too. My classes are open to all :)

Planner lover, gamer and martial artist. Wanna switch teams and marry me?


I have

I have done quite a bit of martial arts in my time and am looking to get back into it. My last class was taught outdoors, pretty well rain or shine, pretty well all year 'round and I think that was a little much even for my level of testosterone. When you've done Kung fu outdoors in -30 weather, well, you sort of feel like you've done it, ya know?:P

I'm looking for a new martial art. Any suggestions?

Steve Sharam

Martial Arts

I'm a karate guy myself (Isshin-ryu, a lesser known style, but still a proper traditional Okinawan one). I cross trained in Aikido for a couple years and if your knees are good, and you aren't too tall, I highly recommend it. I really enjoyed it but my body wasn't up to it's particular challenges. I don't train in Chinese arts, so can't recommend any of those. Stay away from most Taekwondo schools - most are "McDojos".

Good hunting.

Good advice

Good advice, thanx:)

Steve Sharam

alone in a world of men... sorta

i am proudly a gamer girl too :D there really should be a support group ;P

my artwork | my blog

'nother gamer here

totally. cos yeah you can add me to the list of gamer girls. ex-player of WoW, addicted to her DS, and RPG player.

btw, i highly recommend this book for any girl wanting to be a gamer but doesn't wanna deal with the stereotypes:

Confessions of a Part-Time Sorceress

it's awesome.

off to go write NaNo Now!

Me too

Anyone remember Wolfenstine? I still have a T-Shirt from that one. Or Doom, or the original Zelda? How about the text game "Advienture" or the ascii "Star Trek?" Sadly, I try to avoid games these days because I'm not real good at putting limits on them (is binge-gaming a recognized problem?). At the time I played the ones above, I only needed to worry about taking care of myself and collage/work. Now I've got a lot more going on plus a novel or two I'm trying to revise. My current mantra is "novel or game, novel or game?"

My Blog

I totally remember that!

Yeah, I fully remember Wolfenstine! That was excellent. All games which allow you to blow up Nazi alien monsters since are but a pale comparison:P

Steve Sharam

Blakestone was better!

Remember the endless monster generators? And the monster eggs that hatched....

Ahhh, memories...

You're bringing back some old memories here. :)

I binge-game too. Especially when the game in question is Civilization. Lately I've been better, though, just playing stuff on my DS as I feel like it. Right now I'm doing the newest DS Castlevania title and loving it.

I used to do pen-and-paper RPGs, and I even LARPed for a while. (I wasn't very good at it, though. I can't act my way out of a paper bag.) Heck, I even like board games and card games... Steve Jackson games, anyone?

[ blog | photos ]

i love civ. but i miss pharaoh

I dont remember if pharaoh was really popular but i loved it.

it was amazing to watch those little guys build the pyramids. plus you could click on the gay actors and the would make so happy with their commentary on the city.

fav games of all time:
mario smash brothers (N64 and GC)
kirby's tilt and tumble (GB color)
age of empires 1 and 2 (pc/mac)
pharaoh (pc)
tekken 3 and tag (ps2)
Civ 4 (Mac/pc)
pokemon red,blue blah blah blah
duck tales adventure (commodore 64)
bubble bobble (many)

Levenger stole ALL of my money, but they left me all these nice, shiny organizational tools.


I can't even begin to put together a decent list. There are so many games I like... Have you played the newest Katamari game? Unfortunately, the gameplay kinda sucks. :( Loved the first two though.

[ blog | photos ]

my wife is a gamer

My wife, Sarah, plays video games, but there's not very many she's into. First person shooters make her motion sick, and she doesn't like games where you have to sit in front of the screen for hours and hours.

Games we both enjoy:

Katamari, Rayman Raving Rabids, Ratchet & Clank, Super Mario Kart, and oddly enough she was briefly obsessed with Diablo II. We're looking to buy a Nintendo Wii in the near future. It looks like there's a lot of games on there we'd both enjoy.


i love our Wii. It seems

i love our Wii. It seems that our most popular game is Wii bowling. We have 3 other games for it but rarely play them: SSX Blur (snowboarding... my hubby loves it), Big Brain Academy and Mario Party 8. I think the Wii is a great party system but sadly, most of our gaming on the system is done with the sports component that came with the system.

We've also played Warrioware and it's a lot of fun. very outrageous game. :)



Sorry I'm late. I recommend shooting random pieces of crap found when cleaning the garage, cellar, attic, neighbor's safe, etc.

Either a large, powerful shotgun or a high-caliber handgun (a pretty big piece of steel like a Desert Eagle, not a little sissy shooter) will do fine. Rifles are less effective for testosterone control, since you can neither blast a simultaneous spread nor empty nine shots in two seconds with a rifle. On the other hand, shooting a very small target (say a mug) from a hundred or two hundred yards can be immensely gratifying, and there's no way you'll ever get that kind of accuracy with a shotgun or a pistol.
Oh, but don't take your friends if they're crazy. They might end up shooting each other or you by accident.

Yes, I am a victim of testosterone poisoning, and proud of it! I own tools, I try to solve my friends' problems, I hide feelings rather than expressing them, and I modify or improve or revamp nearly everything I own to make it better, stronger, heavier, lighter, faster, more efficient, more effective, more durable, or just inaccessible to anyone who doesn't know what I know about it!

Steve, keep up the jokes (including gender humor), and I hope your back is feeling better by now.


You put a lot of thought into that:P Sounds good to me, just don't go hunting with Dick Cheney:)

Thanks, me like compliments. Me happy. Back o.k., not great Oh well;)

Steve Sharam