The Economy: We Are So Screwed


Anderson Cooper Hello everyone, I'm Anderson Cooper. If I were any more charming, you wouldn't be able to stand it. Tonight we'll be airing the first of a special five-part series on the state of the global economy entitled, Everything's A Mess And We're All Going To Die, but before we begin, let's check in with Wolf Blitzer.

Wolf Blitzer Hi, I'm Wolf Blitzer and you're in the Conniption Room. Your can trust me, because I have a beard. Happening now: President Bush tried to calm fears about the ailing economy in a press conference earlier today.

George Bush See, the problem is...these folks, the economic folks...they don't have enough money. I mean, they need more money, to make the economy work, to work the economy...and we're going to give them that money, lend it to them. It's like a loan, like if you loaned your friend some money, so then they'd have money. So they could buy beer, and cheese. And most of the these Wall Street types are my friends, ya know? I'm talking about's a money problem. It's a problem with money.

Wolf Blitzer The markets responded to this powerful new initiative almost immediately. The floor of the New York Stock Exchange has more or less become an opium den where the top stock traders are currently betting on a fight between a mongoose, a snake and a guy named Jimmy nobody likes very much. Back to you Anderson; I have to go home and dig up the front lawn to plant vegetables.

Anderson Cooper Thank you Wolf. As you can see, the network has now repossessed my pants. For more reaction to the economic crisis, we've reached the chairman of the Federal Reserve, Ben Bernanke, live:

Ben Bernanke I've been drinking for days!

Anderson Cooper I'm going to go check my 401 K. For further reaction, we go to Jack Kafferty with the Kafferty File.

Jack Kafferty Thank you Anderson. As always on this segment, we won't be asking for advice or commentary from experts, but rather from people who are home in the middle of the day. Before we begin, let me just say that I hate everyone, especially the elite and the common man. When I was young and there was no email, internet or television, we used to just sit around and stare at each other a lot, and we liked it. Things were boring when I was young, Anderson. That was a joke.

Anderson Cooper Indeed. What's your question today Jack?

Jack Kafferty Anderson, our question today is, "How will the economic crisis in America personally affect you? Sussy from Indiana writes, "Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!" Good point there. John from Delaware writes, "Those miserable cheating, lying, foolish morons have...I...I just...blaqraw;rugahn!" Couldn't have put it better myself. Back to you Anderson.

Anderson Cooper Thank you Jack. In a related story, we've just received news that Playboy will be doing a special issue featuring the women of Wall Street. This is probably good, as many of them need the work. {Ed. note - This is actually true} For some more context on today's events, we go to Jim Cramer.

Jim Cramer, biting the head of a chicken while hitting set of bagpipes with a shovel. Waaaaarrbkoawkgrghooonk! Chris?

Chris Matthews HI, I'M CHRIS MATTHEWS! EVERYTHING SUCKS RIGHT NOW! BACK TO YOU! {Ed. note - He actually said this}

Lou Dobbs Tonight, the war on the middle class continues. As Chris Matthews has just astutely pointed out, the economy sucks right now, but for whom does it suck the most? The answer: The middle class. I've been doing this show for a while and I've become convinced, beyond any doubt, that everything sucks worst for the middle class. Except for the lower class, who are outside my target demographic.

Tonight my guest will be Jimmy, just returned from a very stressful day of trading at the New York Stock Exchange. Jimmy, does everything suck for the middle class right now?

Jimmy, nursing mongoose bites Well, there are many important factors to consider about the middle class Lou...

Lou Dobbs And how everything sucks for them?

Jimmy Well, some things are sucking for the middle class right now, sure...

Lou Dobbs There you are ladies and gentlemen: Jimmy says, things suck for the middle class, as always, now and forever. I am Lou Dobbs. I have spoken. Larry?

Larry King Thanks Lou. I'm Larry King and I keep my money in a sock. For further reaction to today's events, we've thrown together a panel of extremely partisan know-it-alls with no particular qualifications. Panicked soldier from the second Aliens movie, your reaction:

Aliens Soldier Game over man, game over! We're all gonna die man! Game over!

Larry King Well observed. Yoda, your thoughts on the future:

Yoda Ailing the economy is. Helped it must be. Golden parachutes we provide should not. Always emotion is the future...

Things are getting serious. Keep your heads on straight folks.

Until next time, keep your pen on the page, and your money in a sock.

Steve Sharam
For more of my positive thoughts on life, check out my blog:

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Been Missing You

Thanks. Needed to laugh, covers up the weeping tears.


Glad to help. Sometimes all you do to keep from crying is to laugh:P

"No wonder we're not picking up any radio signals from alien species. They're not sending any! They're too afraid we'll answer." - George Carlin

Steve Sharam

too funny!

Yoda needs to tell someone to use the Force! Where's a jedi knight when you need one???

So right you are

Cannot believe missed that, I did. Ashamed I am:(


What's sad is that's the most realistic, intuitive coverage I've seen on the economy crisis yet.

*shakes head* And I quote "Everything sucks."


That's what we strive for here at DIYPlanner, to be better than Fox News;)

"No wonder we're not picking up any radio signals from alien species. They're not sending any! They're too afraid we'll answer." - George Carlin

Steve Sharam