Catastrophic Organization

My picture nameGreetings all. Well, I've given up. I am completely, hopelessly, utterly without the ability to organize, to plan, to prioritize. In this department I am without hope, beyond recall, just screwed up. Sorry, I'm teaching English as a Second Language, so I seem to be giving three synonyms for everything these days. Can't help it, nothing I can do, fuggetaboutit! Anyway, I can't organize, but I can innovate. I figure if I can't actually get things done, at least I can make not getting things done sound better. I'm going to break out the euphemisms. My model, of course: The military and big business.

Yup, that's right. I'm going with euphemisms, talking about uncomfortable things in fuzzy sounding ways and nobody's better at this than the armed forces. They have all kinds of terms that make bad things sound good if you're not thinking too hard: Catastrophic Success, Friendly Fire and so forth. Ditto for business: Unforseen Manufacturing Level Workforce Restructuring, Negative Cashflow Position, etc. Yes sir, I figure if creative, blantantly ridiculous doublespeak works for them it ought to work for me too, so allow me to present Steve's Organizational Euphemisms. Feel free to adapt these for your own uses.

  • Catastrophic Organization: Much like the military term Catastrophic Success, made famous in the current war in Iraq, Catastrophic Organization is when your attempts at organization have become so top-heavy and generally half-assed that whatever you were trying to organize ultimately becomes so convoluted and tragically disordered that it no longer matters. This is the term you use when a higher up sends you a memo about the lunch menu and you end up getting half the senior staff indicted.
  • Unforeseeble Conceptual Underenhancement: This is a neat way of saying, basically, I just didn't think about it. This would be the phrase to use when you've just released New Coke or the Edsel. It sounds an awful lot better than "Well, boss, after doing tequila shots for two days we scratched this on the back of a cocktail napkin and I guess maybe we didn't think it out too clearly. Sorry 'bout that."
  • Negative Schematic Destructuralization: This is when you take a business plan out in the rain and it gets wet or if you leave it laying around and the dog eats it. The key here is to make the term so totally confusing that your boss will get so fatigued trying to decypher the words that he or she won't have any energy left to get angry at you for leaving your long-term strategic planning memorandum next to a goat at the zoo.

Well, that's all I can do for you this week. Until next week, keep your pen on the page and your long-term goal innitiatives inversely compartmentalized.

Steve Sharam

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What type of dog has eaten your business plan?

This reminds me of a lecture on thinking. The premise was in order to achieve a paradigm shift in thinking we must first forget how to think. I am sure, judging by the looks on my fellow participants faces, it was truely awe inspiring stuff. I however was thinking of Marilyn vos Savant the whole time so wore my 'honey glazed' expression...

Not a problem

Well, I never really knew how to thhink to begin with, so I should be a master at that program. For me, I usually either zone out to Latin model Sophia Vergera with Mozart's Einekleinenachtsmusik in the background. It's a good mix.

Steve Sharam