De-Motivational Speaking

Greetings all, Steve here. Sorry I didn't have an article last week. I actually did write one, but the editor was afraid it was too offensive and so convened a special council of easily offended people, and they determined that it would have frightened children and small animals, so it was nixed. I have to admit, although you would no doubt never guess it from my level, measured tone, that I was slightly upset about this, though I'd be the last person to ever say so. He suggested that perhaps I was feeling overly aggressive and negative on account of my work, and that this was coming across in my writing. I told him to bite me.

Still, he may have a point. If truth be told, I have been feeling somewhat negative lately. It's likely the retail job that's doing it to me. Working retail gives you little to no faith in the future of humanity, mainly because you see so much of it. But it's other things too. I found out yesterday that the municipal government of Vancouver, in an act of tremendous foresight and concern for their citizens, failed to structurally reinforce the schools, but managed to make the liquor stores essentially bomb-proof. Yeah, it's a combination of things, but I decided that I should use this to my advantage, try to make a few dollars off of it, and help people at the same time. To this end I present Steve's Guide To De-Motivational Speaking.

My feeling is that people work too hard and expend a lot of effort and stress on stupid problems that don't need to be solved, so the core of the De-Motivational Speaking approach should be to prevent people from getting involved in excessive amounts of work, and thus improving their lives, by just depressing them to the point where they no longer have the capacity to function as members of the work force. Some key points of the system are as follows:

  • First of all, I'm fairly unlikely to show up to the seminars at all.
  • Many people have different styles of problem solving and have unique approaches which must be honoured. Then again, a lot of people are just stupid. The difference is subtle, but very real.
  • How to connect an alarm clock to a gong, for those low-motivation mornings.
  • If you've worked at an office for over one year and your boss still doesn't know your name, kick him in the groin.
  • You think you've got problems?
  • Honestly, what's the point?
  • Radical career shifts, or the benefits of busking.
  • A heart-warming anecdote about a man who was jailed for propositioning a sheep.
  • Extremely long lunch break.
  • Six easy steps for running away and joining the circus.
  • In-depth career-path re-evaluation, or what to do if the circus doesn't want you.
  • Signs that your job may be pointless.
  • Your job is pointless. (What's the use of denying it?)

I could do more for you this week, but I don't want to. Until next time, keep your pen on the page, if you want to. What do I care?

Steve Sharam

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Synergy, Synergy, Synergy; So Good They Named it Thrice...

I know where you are coming from Steve, I was once young myself... I attended one of Dr No's Motivational Seminar. I remember it well. It started with the odd death but very soon moved into subjects as diverse as chosing a base (Canadian liquor stores are favourable; schools not so good) and the paradigm of world domination. We finished with a spectacular show of will to power; each of one of us had to carry a rod of plutonium from one end of the room to the other a back again. After all this motivational training I thought I was pretty well indestructable. It did not come across in my work however. At first it was okay: Late assignment? decapitation via a badly designed piece of headgear. Feeling stressed? stroke the cat. Research grant refused? Black mail NATO and hold the world to ransom. Be honest we have all been there have we not? Then the problems started mounting up. VIP's escaping from my laser traps. Minions failing to live up to my expectations. I realised too late I had wasted my money; the key to inner peace is not found through gurus or seminars but rather though the eyes of a loving partner, the laughter of a child or this subliminal message...

World domination, huh?

Blackmail Nato and hold the world to ransom, huh? Boy, it's always the quiet ones...

Steve Sharam

Retail job, huh?

"Working retail gives you little to no faith in the future of humanity, mainly because you see so much of it."

I have a friend who says the worst part of his public-library job is the public, for pretty much the same reason.

Do you procrastinate?

Yeah, pretty much

If it wasn't for the public, retail would be an great job. You stand around all day cracking jokes in a pleasant, clean environment. It's when the customers come in and mess everything up that things start to go South.

Steve Sharam

Re: Retail Job Huh

As a librarian of some 20 years, with a fair chunk of that in the public sector, I can but endorse flexiblefine's quoting of his friend's comment. In our staffroom it was paraphrased - Public librarianship - great job, pity about the public ... Nor should one overlook the even older saying - " There can be few more unrewarding tasks for the educated man of curiosity than the routine duties of librarianship."
When the following of curiosity and the routine duties are balanced, life is well enough.
But the Public, oh the Public... can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em.

At first I thought it was only tourists

But then I realised it's just the public in general. Really, though, tourists are just the public from somewhere else, anyway. Most people are fine, but a small minority of people seem to check their brains at the door. Makes me wonder what ti's like to be a cop.

Steve Sharam

Check their brains at the

Check their brains at the door ? indeed they do, the great unwashed public.
Long observation shows that more brains get checked at the door, or fail to
get plugged in at all during holiday season, be it Xmas, summer, whatever.
Ah to bring such observation of minutiae to our daily toil !

I have a link for you


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