Humour

Things Not To Buy For Christmas

Useless Christmas Gifts
Hi all, Steve here again, after a short absence. I've been busy selling Christmas retail you see and Christmas retail has the affect of destroying your brain. I tried to write a column last week, but all I managed to do was drool on the keyboard, which seemed unsatisfactory subject matter to base a column on. But now I'm done with retail for the time being and I'm back to write a column: About retail!

Bet you didn't see that coming. Or maybe you did. But still, it's a subject worth talking about. Many people are busy these days, running around doing last minute Christmas shopping…but I discovered something during my time in retail: Most of what they sell is garbage. And I'm here to tell you what not to buy for Christmas with: Steve's List Of What Not To Buy For Christmas!

Learning To Love Vista

Windows Vista Sucks
Good day all, Steve here, welcoming you to the start of the end of your week. So I was thinking about Windows Vista. I was not thinking good things. I work in an electronics store and we have a steady stream of people walking in the door threatening to bash their computers with an axe, because they can't get Vista to work properly. Usually, we suggest a sledgehammer.

It occurred to me that perhaps we're looking at this whole problem the wrong way. Maybe Vista isn't a terrible operating system that doesn't work right and is unbelievably slow and has a lot of useless features and won't play games or burn c.d.s and generally doesn't do a damned thing. Verily, it honketh mightily. Here's an idea: maybe Vista's simply a tool for people who enjoy pain in their lives. Hmm…

Bringing Us All Together

Email Chain Letter
Hey, Steve here. I was ruminating on ideas for today's post and I ran one past Doug Johnston, our resident medieval longbow archery expert, and he said that I might offend all of our readers from Mongolia. This seemed unlikely to me, partly because I don't know for a fact that we have any readers in Mongolia, but Douglas is a cautious fellow, which is a very good quality in someone who practices medieval longbow archery, let me just say. I told Doug that he was being silly and then he reminded me that I've offended people in the past on this site. No I haven't, I thought. That's silly.

Well, o.k., I might have offended a few people, but not that many. I sat down and made a list. Over the past two plus years of writing for this site, I've offended the religious right, the liberal left, Italian people, French people, Irish people, American people, people from Finland, people from Norway, people from Sweden, probably people from Mongolia, Chinese-Canadian Irish celebrants, sellers, shoppers, tech support workers, young people, old people, my mother, my father, my girlfriend, Innowen, Sascha Chow, Dr. Seuss fans, perverts, organized people, disorganized people, women, men and gay female video game enthusiasts. And Doug. O.k., so I've offended a few people! Well then, how about something to bring us all together again, something we can all relate to?

The Tragedy Of Testosterone Poisoning

Testosterone
Greetings all, Steve here. Ow. My back hurts. Ow! Well, it's my own fault. I've thrown my back out twice in my life and both times were after I lost a fight with a Swiss exercise ball. Swiss people must be very flexible, but I'm not, at least not anymore. Ow:( But it's not my fault. It's genetics. I am just one more victim of testosterone poisoning.

Testosterone poisoning has to do with the nature of the male human creature and his function in society. We used to need lots of testosterone and now we don't, anymore. My girlfriend Meghan and I had a discussion the other day about the nature of men and women. I said that women were overly complicated and she claimed that men are too simple. This seemed unfair to me, but I contemplated her words later that night. Meghan had gone for a night with the girls to share their thoughts and emotions about the challenges of life, both good and bad and unload the stress of the week. I stayed home and are a bag of oats.

Sigh...Back To Work

Work Horror Stories
Hi all, Steve here. This is gonna be a short one, 'cause I’m starting a new job today. It's not a job I'm all that excited about. It's actually a job I've done before. It's a job that I can't entirely believe I'm doing again. Let me put that another way, give you some perspective. If someone said I could get paid to rub sandpaper on my eyeballs, I'd be there in a second. It's just not very stimulating. Or interesting. Or well paying. Last time I did this job, the only way I was able to get myself out of bed to go to work was to have my girlfriend smash me in the face with a 5-pound barbell.

Although, my mother always taught me to find something good in every situation. On further reflection, however, the best thing I can say about this job is that it's temporary. Then again, I bet everybody has tales of woe at work.

This got me to wondering what terrible tales the readers of this website have about work and whether, if I asked them to share them, it would count as having written a post. I think it would.

The Past Two Years: What Were We Thinking?

Getting Things Done
Greetings all, Steve here. Wow, has it been two years? Yes, it has. Doug asked us to share with you our five favorite columns from the past two years, but I wanted to do more than that. The past two years have left their mark on all of us who worked on this site, something that over time will gradually dim, provided we can obtain the correct psychiatric drugs.

I've learned many things in the past two years, knowledge borne out of personal experience and court-ordered community service. I'd like to share both my favorite columns from the past two years and some things that I've learned, things that I've done and had done to me. Maybe just the first three.

D*I*Y Year Two... The Second One...

Doug with his charcoal



When Doug ask me to write about my five favourite DIYPlanner.com guest posts I was flattered… well that was until I found out Dave Barry had already agreed to host ‘Talk Like a Pirate Day’ and the monkeys all had RSI from typing too much Shakespeare. After a lot of deliberation I finally decided they are all equally good and used the 'pull a name out of the hat methodology' :D








Why Won't Anyone Hire Me?!

Job Hunting
Greetings all, Steve here. That's right, Steve's back! Happy days are here again! Not to overstate the case, but I really did miss writing this column. I had an interesting vacation though. At least, I think I did. A friend took me out for a drink and I woke up a week later to learn that I'd been elected mayor of Puerto Vallerta. Good times.

First of all, I'd like to mention some details about the upcoming big giveaway contest: It was Doug's idea and we're giving stuff away. I have no other information. Sorry, I guess that was kind of anti-climactic.

Come on, admit it: you missed me!

So I'm job-hunting. Like a crazy person, all the time, every day, job-hunting. The fear drives me. Can't seem to get an interview, but the fear continues driving me nonetheless. I don't understand it. I mean, just look at my picture. Don’t I look like the sort of person you'd want to work with?

Getting Things Green

Getting Things Green
Greetings all, Steve here to make your life a little greener. Well, today was the day of Al Gore's Live Earth concerts, as you may have heard, if you have ears. The idea behind the concert series was to get about 150 of the best musical acts in the world together to raise awareness about the need to reverse climate change. It seemed a little sketchy, but as I was watching it I thought, "Hey. If Spinal Tap can do, anybody can do it!" My thoughts often have exclamation marks.