Humour

Aztec Motivational Techniques - Killing Your Co-workers

Motivational Techniques
Greetings all, Steve here, back again. I understand that there are those of you who depend on my organizational suggestions and motivational techniques. Doug told me. He didn't mention that most of these same people also use Velcro shoes and safety sissors. I just assumed that part. Anyway, I'm sorry if I let anyone down by not having a column last week, but I had a very good reason: I'm lazy and disorganized. Also, I was formulating an intriguing new method for motivating and stimulating your co-workers and subordinates. I dare say this new method, patent pending (if I can find someone at the patent office who has a grudge against humanity), will provide your co-workers with the most stimulation they can receive without the aid of funny shaped electrical devices: Ritually sacrificing your co-workers.

Ritual sacrifice, of course, has a long, proud tradition in many cultures. The Carthaginians, Phoenicians, Greeks, Romans, Vikings, Incas, Mayans and Aztecs all engaged in human sacrifice, mainly to try to secure decent parking. The ancient British druids used to make a human sacrifice of anyone who made fun of their cooking. This is still known to be a problem, so be careful when visiting the United Kingdom.

Yeah I'm A Goof-Off, But It Could Be Worse

Making ExcusesGreetings all, Steve here. This week I've developed a new process for, while not actually being more efficient or getting things done better, to appear be doing so, due to the fact that you're not worse. How it works is, you apologize for something you've done badly or failed to do entirely and then point out that you didn't do something worse. It's quite an innovation, I think. Oh, by the way, sorry that my post is a little later this week, but at least I'm not a serial killer. See, it works. :)

I came up with the idea when putting together a presentation for school. I'm doing something fairly unconventional and I can't really back up my theory or support my conclusions, but it is a very neat idea. I am anticipating potentially being torn apart in my presentation and I thought that I should forestall any criticisms by saying right off the top that it was an unprovable theory and asking for everyone to be open-minded. I'm calling it, "Random Thoughts On Egypt by Steve Sharam or Please Blow Holes In This Presentation." I'm using a lot of Far Side cartoons. I'll let you know how it turns out.

The Horrors Of Helpful Telephone Support

Customer Service ProblemsGreetings all. Oh my goodness. I had so much fun yesterday. I got to call the bank. And the telephone company. And the metro transit number. Oh yeah, good times. To make things easier, for the customer, large companies have instituted what they call Speech Recognition Systems. The problem with speech recognition systems, and follow me here, is that they don't recognize speech. Is this too much to ask? Am I reaching for the moon here? Apparently. Because it went something like this:

Productivity After 30 or Reflections On Being Amazing

Turning 30
Hello, Old Man Steve here. Yes, indeed, I’m getting older. I have, in fact, hit the Big 3-0. I have to say, the Big 3-0 was somewhat bigger than I anticipated. I hardly ever even note the passing of my birthdays, but, I don’t know, 30 just seems like a really big number. I remember when I was 18, back in the last millennium, before the internet, before pretty well every group in the world seemed to want to kill pretty well every other group, when Michael Jackson was still black, as I say, I remember thinking that 30 was older than was humanly possible, older than 116, older than Hell. Just really old. Really REALLY old. I thought that if someone were to reach such an extraordinary age that they would likely have a fairly boring existence, what with having to use the walker and the ear horn and all, though I thought it would be fun to get a visit from the Guinness Records people.

Efficiency in the Home, or Watch Out for Swedish Furniture

Efficiency at homeGreetings all, Steve here. Back again. Hi. Those of you who lack the ability to entertain yourselves will have noted with some anxiety that I’ve been absent from this space for a couple of weeks, but I did have a very good reason. The doctor ordered me to take some time off after I nearly killed myself putting together my new computer desk.

What happened was this: I decided that I needed a proper computer desk rather than just doing all my computer work on the couch (or rather, a love seat), in order to improve my efficiency and save my back. It’s part of my ongoing campaign, as I approach the age of 30 at an alarming pace, to act like a grown up.

Your New Year's Resolutions

New Year's Resolution
"We trained hard...but it seemed that every time we were beginning to form up into teams we would be reorganized....I was to learn later in life that we tend to meet any new situation by reorganizing; and a wonderful method it can be for creating the illusion of progress while producing confusion, inefficiency and demoralization." Petronius Arbiter, 210 B.C.

Some things change and some things don't. What's your New Year's Resolution?

The Twelve Days Of Doug

D*I*Y Christmas
Greetings all and welcome to Steve's D*I*Y Christmas post. Now, I had a major problem with this post and it's one that I brought on myself. That is, I asked for ideas on what I could write about for Christmas. And I received them. Many of them. I asked and I received. Hmm, very Christmassy, actually. Anyway, you people made me look bad. Thanks a lot! I had no ideas whatsoever and you lot showed up with ideas so wonderfully warped that I was almost wishing I hadn't asked, because I didn't think I could come up with anything as good. But then I realized something, an immutable, fundamental truth of the holiday season. "Steve," I said to myself, "it's Christmas Eve and you still have to buy something for your girlfriend." Meghan can be seen here with me. I'm the one with the mask. Can't be too careful these days.

The Joy Of Holiday Retail Work


Greetings all, Steve here. Today I'm going to talk briefly about retail sales. I realize I covered this in an earlier post, but it's Christmas-time now and Christmas sales is a whole different kettle of horses. Lets just put it this way: You know how after a couple hours in the mall you're annoyed at the ridiculous numbers of shoppers, irritated at the awful Christmas music and just about ready to kill people? Well, retail staff are there all the time. Allow me to relate a short true tale which illustrates the point.

What Will We Do This Christmas?

The Grinch Who Stole Christmas
Well, it's that time again, time to gird on our festive gear and make fun of Doug. It's a tradition that goes back all the way to last Christmas. Well, all traditions have to start somewhere, after all. The only problem is, I'm not having any ideas. That's why I'm asking for your help. Any ideas, no matter how insane. Actually, the more insane the better:)