Humour

On assignment with Packratus Habitualis

While Steve's out on vacation, we have a special guest poster, Dr. Corie vonOrganizationsplunker. Corie just returned from on assignment in the wilds of the closet whilst studying several species of organizational creatures. She's agreed to write this article on her latest discovery.


Hello everyone. It's nice to be here. I'm here, on location, to show you my latest discovery. Today we observe Packratus Habitualis in her natural habitat--her cluttered, disorganized abode. Now, I'm not sure if she'll make an appearance, this room seems to be quite a disarry.

Where Did I Put That?! Losing Things For A Living

Peter SellersGreetings folks, Steve here. This will be my last post for a couple weeks, as I'm dragging my girlfriend to Vancouver Island for a short vacation. My boss suggested that I take a few days off after he noted that I was kicking too many clients in the shins. I've always thought that it's important to kick a few people every day. Helps in dealing with the public. But the boss said I was kicking too many people and I should take some time off, so off I go, but before I leave I wanted to describe what I have come to realise is my ultimate career: Losing Stuff Professionally.

This has not always been my ideal career, it's just something I've come to accept lately. When I was really young I wanted to be a superhero, when I was a little older I wanted to be a teacher and when I was 13, I wanted to be the Honest Male Opinion in a lingerie store. I pictured having a little nametag: Stephen-Honest Male Opinion. Ah, the dreams of youth. And, other times, briefly, I wanted to be a number of other things: A DJ; a part-time fireman, part-time multi-media producer (this made a lot of sense at the time); the talentless lead guitarist for a bad punk band - the list goes on and on.

Organisational Origami: The Business Fortune Teller

My picture nameGreetings all and welcome once again to Steve's Guide To Productivity For Idiots. Let me rephrase that: You'd have to be an idiot to take my advice on productivity, since I'm so disorganized my productivity estimates are like Shakesperean tragedies: Despite a lot of thought and effort, and lots of talking to myself, everyone usually winds up dead. I got a new job and I'm completely lost. Well, that's unfair. I wouldn't say I'm completely lost, just mostly lost. I'm aware that there are important things going on, but I'm not really sure exactly what they are, or what I should do about them, like a blind-folded man at a nude beach. I just don't get it and it's taking me a while to catch on. I'm assured that this is normal and that I'll eventually get the hang on things, but it's been kind of stressful.

And this got me to thinking: Maybe I need to really look outside the box for my organizational inspiration. Maybe I need to go with a proven technique employed for years by 9 year old girls to determine their friends love lives and future careers. That's right, it's time to break out the fortune-tellers!

How To Behave In A Ridiculously Nice Restaurant

Cookie MonsterGreetings all, Steve here. I'm back after a short absence. Our old apartment imploded and sank down to the 6th level of hell, so we had to move in rather a hurry, which is quite difficult. My computer desk is still at our old apartment and so I'm writing this on the floor with my laptop propped up on a small suitcase. I just wanted you all to know how much I love you.

I didn't have a post here last week because I couldn't remember where I packed the internet. Nevertheless, I'm back again, here to talk to you today about how to behave in a nice restaurant. My girlfriend Meghan and I have just come off a very long stretch as students and so our idea of a nice restaurant is still one that has less than three bouncers on a Tuesday night. However, I recently started working for a very successful art gallery and it turns out that sucessful art galleries have parties at insanely expensive restaurants, which can be somewhat uncomfortable if you're not used to them. So, as an aid to all those entering the working world, I present: Steve's Guide To Eating In A Really Really Nice Restaurant.

The D*I*Y Planner Work Excuses Template

Laziness
Greetings all, Steve here. Ya know, I think Eric Clapton said it best: "Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying around, I'd rather lie around. No contest." Amen Eric, I couldn't agree more. In fact, I've been thinking about this problem for a while, though not too hard, of course, and I think this is an area in which D*I*Y Planner can make a contribution. With that in mind, I propose the D*I*Y Planner Work Excuses Template:

Who Is Jaymi Elford?


Greetings all. Well, I'm back. We had some troubles a few weeks ago and I had to take a hiatus from this site, but I'm back again and raring to go. There have been a few changes on this site since I was last here. Doug Johnston, with a 20 month old son, a brand new baby and moving to the Yukon, for some reason felt overwhelmed and brought Jaymi Elford on board to help with editing and organizational duties and we've all been seeing a lot of her lately on this site, but the question remains: who is Jaymi Elford?

Jaymi Elford is multi-talented and eccentric, esoteric and contemplative, but to really understand her, you have to understand her background. So, after exhaustive and brain-wrenching research, I present The Unofficial Biography Of Jaymi Elford:

Women Are From Venus, Men Are Very Frequently Wrong

Females Are RightWarning: This piece was originally supposed to go live a couple of weeks ago, but it was deemed so offensive that it would cause the Republic to collapse and I was asked for a rewrite. I reread it, of course, and it is possible that it could have been taken differently than I intended, though I didn't think anybody would get upset about the Viking thing, so what do I know? So, anyway, I think we've got it licked now and this version is more in keeping with my original intent and there shouldn't be any misunderstanding. If, however, you do feel offended, we here at D*I*Y Planner want to hear from you. Please send all complaints to our public liaison officer, Donald Rumsfeld, care of The Pentagon. When you're talking to him, ask about his new foreign policy position paper, Planning Today's Catastrophe For Tomorrow's Apocalypse. Thank you.

Greetings all, Steve here. I get no respect, none at all. As with most men, my organizational ideas are almost never given the respect and attention they deserve by some people. Let's call them our wives and girlfriends. I don't usually make gender-based stereotypical statements, but there it is. I've done it and there's no turning back now. Just as the famous book said, Men Are From Mars And Women Are Quietly Superior.

De-Motivational Speaking

Greetings all, Steve here. Sorry I didn't have an article last week. I actually did write one, but the editor was afraid it was too offensive and so convened a special council of easily offended people, and they determined that it would have frightened children and small animals, so it was nixed. I have to admit, although you would no doubt never guess it from my level, measured tone, that I was slightly upset about this, though I'd be the last person to ever say so. He suggested that perhaps I was feeling overly aggressive and negative on account of my work, and that this was coming across in my writing. I told him to bite me.

Still, he may have a point. If truth be told, I have been feeling somewhat negative lately. It's likely the retail job that's doing it to me. Working retail gives you little to no faith in the future of humanity, mainly because you see so much of it. But it's other things too. I found out yesterday that the municipal government of Vancouver, in an act of tremendous foresight and concern for their citizens, failed to structurally reinforce the schools, but managed to make the liquor stores essentially bomb-proof. Yeah, it's a combination of things, but I decided that I should use this to my advantage, try to make a few dollars off of it, and help people at the same time. To this end I present Steve's Guide To De-Motivational Speaking.

Efficiency In Retail Or How Not To Kill Your Customers


Greetings all, Steve here. Well, I'm working retail. The worst thing is that I actually wanted to. Kinda. I just moved to Vancouver with my girlfriend Meghan and we both got retail jobs, because we're in that tenuous grey zone where you've just graduated from college and you don't know what you want to do with your life, but you're fairly certain you're not interested in paying off your student loans. So we got retail jobs, just to give us some time to think things over. Oh boy...I dunno, seemed like a good idea at the time. To be fair, retail's actually not that bad a job, except for the customers. The customers are a royal pain in the butt. So, in an effort to make all our lives easier, I present handy hints for surviving retail.